I read a short literary piece recently about love. (I’ll post it later) I’ve been thinking about the concept of love for quite a while now because of it.

I’m 18 years old. I’ve only had one boyfriend and I’ve had a couple of those unofficial relationships as well (often referred to as MU or Mutual Understanding relationships). And like I said, I’m 18… And up until now I thought that I already felt the feeling of falling in love.

For a lot of people the basis of ‘love’ is just a feeling. You just feel as if you’re with the right person.. but isn’t that just your hormones reacting? Like what they call “love at first sight” (which I do not believe in).

You see, I now believe that love should have depth. I’ve been hurt so many times before and I blame the guys for being such jerks… When in reality it was also my mistake. Why? I can’t say that the physical aspect of a person is the only thing that attracts because I’ve been with guys that I believe aren’t my type (physically). And yes the basis of my past relationships was that I felt like I wanted to be with those certain people. Although if you ask me now (or even back then) on what I really liked about them, I wouldn’t have a specific answer or I’d probably just answer ‘I don’t know.’

This is why I believe that all my past relationships, no matter how long some of it may have lasted, were all just a mere illusion of love, nothing but infatuation. I no longer believe that you can truly fall in love without knowing a person so well. That’s why they say that the best relationship is when friends become lovers. Cause it’s true! But it is indeed quite risky.

It isn’t love if you can be completely open with that other person. It’s not love if you’re afraid to share your stories, interests or emotions to him because you’re afraid that you might bore him or drive him away. No. Love is having trust as well. Love is telling that person everything and not having to worry about things. Love is when you both strive to know each other and get involved with each other’s lives. It’s a give and take process. We all have a concept of the dream relationship we want to have but we follow our guts or our hormones before our brains. It’s merely lust or, what I said before, infatuation.

I want to fall in love this time around. The real kind of love. This concept of love.

18. What does that truly mean?

I’ve been 18 for almost 5 months now and I don’t know what it’s about. You guys might think that I’m such a weirdo or whatever because I think too much about such an age when it’s supposed to be simple. It’s supposed to just mean that I’m older. Is it just that?

18 is considered as the boundary. Once you turn 18 they say that you are legalized and no longer a minor. You can vote at this age. (I realized a little too late that I wanted to become a registered voter… but when I saw the candidates that were running, I was thankful that I wasn’t). You can do whatever you want and not need parental consent.

Hmm. I think this is what it’s all about… Something to do with independence. 

It’s been a couple of months now and my relationship with my family has been the way it’s always been.. but it feels different. I can’t help but feel as if I’ve been distant towards them. But, yeah… sometimes I do that to everyone without even noticing it.

Anyway, I think it’s time that I get a taste of this so called ‘independence.’ Why? I have no valid reason. I just want to see if I can do it on my own. I’m not implying that I should drop out of school and get a job. No. And I don’t want to get a job as well. School is already as tough as it is and I can’t imagine adding any more workload right now (even though it’s summer vacation). I just want a place on my own. I want to feel independent. I want to feel all mature. I think everyone goes through this phase. And I’m not exactly sure if I’m trying to get away from my family or trying to be with myself.. or a little bit of both.

If you are reading this and you get confused, I apologize. I’ve always been so random in everything. 

shame on you.

Fool me twice?

Fuck you.

It’s been a tiring day.. I don’t know how to quite put it.

A couple of months ago,

“Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend.”

Indeed I did.

We weren’t very close friends but we were friends. She was very approachable. She was always happy. She would make knock knock jokes from people’s names.

She had one for me as well:

“Knock! Knock!”

“Who’s there?”

“Lyka Mea.”

“Lyka Mea, who?”

“You can take everything I have. You can break everything I am.

Lyka Mea glass… Lyka Mea 

She was my classmate during my first year in college and one of my group mates in NSTP during my second year. And before that semester ended…

My friend became an angel.

I saw her that night, lying down on her bed. Believe me, it’s a sight I’ll never forget.

I didn’t feel the immediate changes due to that happening.. but I did give my 

deepest sympathy to her family and friends especially to those closest to her..

It’s her 100th day today.. Today is also the first time I cried. The first time I really 

felt that I miss her. 

One of these days, I am going to buy a helium balloon and write her a letter.

(We did this a few days after she passed away, and I’d like to send her another

message)

I don’t know what to say right now..

Vianca, thank you for everything. I miss you.

Thank you for reuniting us. A lot of people love and miss you. 

*sigh* Good night.